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Feature Profile: The Rev. Edward Thornley, 9th Rector, The Episcopal Parish of St. John's the Evangelist, Hingham

Father Ed Thornley joined St. John the Evangelist in July 2024, Previously, he served as Day School Chaplain and Associate Rector at St. Patrick’s Episcopal Church and Day School in Washington, D.C. A native of the U.K. from Canterbury, he studied theology at the University of Exeter, Westcott House in Cambridge (England) and Yale Divinity School. He served in the Church of England for eight years, before beginning his ministry in the Episcopal Church in Fort Worth, TX when he served as Middle and Upper School Chaplain at All Saints’ Episcopal School.

Father Ed and his wife, Dr. Devon Abts—a Massachusetts native and theologian specializing in religion and the arts—reside in the rectory with their cats, Spyro and Duke, and enjoy a wide range of activities together outside of their pastoral duties, including hiking, cooking, enjoying music and the arts, and traveling.


You’re the 9th Rector of the Episcopal Parish of St. John’s the Evangelist in Hingham. What do your responsibilities as rector include?

 

I'm the priest in charge of the parish, and Rector is a traditional title for that. I oversee the parish. I have responsibility for worship, for pastoral care, for preaching and teaching and and also helping the church to be a presence in the wider community. We're obviously a Christian community and an Episcopal Church specifically, but we also play a role in the wider community as well, connecting with different organizations and institutions, civic responsibilities, and so on. So in a way, my main role is to help lead the parish in being that Christian presence in the community. We have, on a typical Sunday, between 130 and 200 people, although we have around 4,000 members in our parish directory, and growing. It’s a big church.

 

Coming from the U.K. and the Church of England, how do the Church of England and the Episcopalian Church interact?

 

It’s a close relationship. There's what's called the Worldwide Anglican Communion, and it's a network of churches internationally that all historically trace their history back to the Church of England and to the Archbishop of Canterbury. So the Episcopal Church is one of those churches that was born out of that history and tradition. I was ordained in the Church of England. My wife, Devon, is American, and we met over here, and so when we were thinking about moving back to the U.S. after being in the U.K. together for some years, I could transfer quite comfortably to the Episcopal Church here.


Please share a bit about your background. What should readers of this newsletter know about you?

 

My wife, Devon, is an academic theologian, and we met at Yale Divinity School. I was on an exchange program over here; I was at Westcott House in Cambridge and I came to Yale for one semester. Devon was starting an academic course at the same time when I came over to do some of my ordination training, and we met in classes one day, and that's how we got together.


Devon and I have family on both sides of the pond. We like traveling a lot. We have family and friends all over so we enjoy traveling. We're very big on hiking and cycling and getting outside. We also love cooking. We're vegetarians, but we're not too fussy anyway (laughs). We've got two cats, and we like spending time with our friends and family and getting involved in the community, just getting out and getting to know people. We just love learning and being among people.


You’ve been Rector for just a few months, having been brought on this past summer. How’s the experience been so far? What’s been a bigger challenge than expected? What’s been a pleasant surprise?

 

Although we arrived here in July, my official institution is on November 19, when the Bishop of of the Episcopal Diocese of Massachusetts will come and officially install me. It's been a really joyful move overall. I've been in specifically education chaplaincy for some years, having served parishes before, and so my role at St. John’s is a happy return to pairsh life. Though this is actually the first time I've been a Rector of a parish. I've been an associate and I've done basically the same kind of job before, but this is the first time I've been in charge. There are lots of new things to get used to; as well as being a priest who has responsibility for worship, pastoral care and preaching and being out in the community, I also have to oversee all the technical things, like, the finances and buildings and grounds committees and all the different organizational administrative elements. I've done those things before, and I enjoy them, but there are a lot of things like that to get used to very quickly. It’s been both a joy and a challenge in that respect. But the community has been so welcoming; they’ve made it easy, frankly. It's a very vibrant community, very active, people who really care about each other and about Hingham as well as about the church. We've loved it. It's been great!


Were you amazed at how many Dunkin’ Donuts there are in the area?


(Laughs) I love it! It’s one of the things that brought us back to New England.


You’re working on a Ph.D. in Divinity. Please shed some light: how does this work inform your philosophy as a member of the clergy? What does Divinity mean to you?

Gosh, that's a really great question! So divinity is the same as theology. Those two terms are kind of interchangeable, really. Divinity or theology essentially means talking about God, studying God and faith and religious belief, generally speaking. And for me, that's within the Christian faith, obviously, but, my Ph.D. is, in a nutshell, about how Christianity relates to other religons as well. It originally began as a project about school chaplaincy, but I’m also looking at how school chaplaincy works in the wider life of the Church, and how the wider church and very specific roles, like chaplains, can inform one another. Because normally, when we think of chaplaincy, we think about working at a specific institution, like a school or university or hospital or the armed forces, and so on. And it's often seen as being quite an isolated form of ministry. Whereas I've always been interested in thinking about how, even if you're a chaplain, say, working in a school with a very specific community, how what you do in that community can be informed by the wider church and vice versa. For example, one of the things that a chaplain in an education institution spends a lot of time doing is working with people of all different faiths. All faiths and none, as it were. I'd actually spend most of my time leading worship and providing pastoral care for people who are not Christians. The wider Church community both cares about this and needs to understand how that works further given the diverse nature of our society.


Even though I’ve been in Episcopal and Church of England Schools, and so working in a church-based institution, they’re also profoundly multi-faith communities, and so interfaith dialogue is a real passion of mine. I love working with different faiths and again, connecting to that wider community piece. I'm a member of several different organizations that do a lot of interfaith work and also with humanism and other forms of belief and spirituality that are not necessarily tied to a specific faith community as well. And I love all of that and I engaged in a lot of this work when I worked in education chaplaincy. I was also a university chaplain for a while and did a similar thing. And so my Ph.D. is looking at questions like, what does it mean to be a Christian in a profoundly multi-faith, pluralistic world? How Christians be responsible with their faith, and how can they have a healthy, responsible faith, where you know what you believe but can learn alongside other faiths.


Remembering the importance of dialoguing with people who believe different things to you informs my ministry in parishes as well. This goes back to that civic responsibility piece and the wider community. And this includes doing funerals…I did a funeral recently for a family who didn't have any particularly strong ties to the church, but the person who died, in their wishes they left behind, said that having a funeral in a church and then a traditional burial was really important to them, and so it was a lovely opportunity to connect with the family who otherwise might not have set foot in the church. And so my Ph.D studies are about looking at different approaches to Christian theology, engaging with religious pluralism and then applying some of that theological thinking to ministry. For example, how can a chaplain in a school or university or a priest in a parish take those theological ideas about the relationship between Christianity and interfaith dialogue, and then apply them in ministry? For example, caring for someone who has different beliefs, preaching and teaching in a way which is compassionate, which is not forceful or coercive, trying to think about ways of being a healthy, responsible Christian in a multi-faith world. That's my general area.


The moment that we are in in America right now, where there's so much divide and polarization, these interfaith dialogs are essential in bridging some of those gaps through interfaith dialog, including the humanistic aspect, seems so critical.

 

Yeah, exactly. And that's also something that I've always believed to be really important. I've never been the sort of Christian who, to put it bluntly, goes going around telling people what they should or shouldn't do. I believe that God is love and that’s why I'm a Christian. I believe that God in Christ shows us a new way to live. And that's all about love and compassion and listening and also growing and learning from people who don't necessarily share the exact same beliefs as you. Without turning this into a sermon...but if God became a human being and spent time on Earth among people, then that kind of incarnational ministry, that’s what Christians like me are called to do. If we're serious about our faith, we don't just go out thinking we've got all the answers and tell people what to do. We're out there to meet God through other people, through our relationships and our communities and our encounters with other people who are very different to us. That's part of what it means to be human.


Father Ed, you first came to the United States in Fort Worth, and then went to D.C. Was it a big adjustment culturally to find yourself suddenly having gone from Cambridge, England to Fort Worth, Texas?


Without boring you with my whole life story, it was a big jump. I was at Cambridge for my ordination training, and then briefly Yale, and that's how I met Devon. And then when Devon finished up at Yale, and I was getting ordained, we got married in Boston, and then Devon got her visa and we were in the U.K. for 8 years. We were in Norwich first. I was in a six-parish team there, and then we moved to central London, and I was working in schools and universities as well as parishes. Devon was doing her Ph.D. at the time in London. Then we moved to Fort Worth, and then D.C., and then here. We both wanted to be back in the States, to be nearer Devon's family as well. And I wanted to be back in the Episcopal Church again--the Church of England's great, but I wanted to serve the Episcopal Church again.


So, to start, I got the opportunity to work at an Episcopal School as a chaplain in Fort Worth. It was an opportunity that opened up. But even though I'd been traveling to the U.S. for nearly 10 years, and particularly the Northeast, we knew Fort Worth was going to be a bit of a jump but it seemed like fun, you know. We met some wonderful people there and we ,oved it, but, yeah, it was a culture shock given everywhere else we’d lived prior.


You’re married to a theologian; your dinner table conversations must be fascinating!

We’re really nerdy. I mean, like, seriously, embarrassingly (laughs). Even though we've both been working in education for a long time, and as you may have seen in my on the bio on the website, Devon still works in academic theology, does conferences and works at different universities, but she's also working for a nonprofit now as Research and Operations Director for the Clemente Course in the Humanities. Devon really wanted to branch out as well and be involved in nonprofit work, wider education work, working with underserved communities. I wanted to be back in the parish again and be out in the wider community. And both of us as a couple wanted to find a nice new home church and a parish that we can both be involved with. And so this whole thing has been really important to us as a couple, as well as a church family. So everything from our dinnertime conversations through to how we generally kind of roll, really, as a couple…we're very, very nerdy, and faith and theology is at the center, but we just love this kind of thing.


The last question is, who do you root for in the Premier League?

That's a great question! So, back home, between my mother's family and my father's family, there was always a big rift with this; basically, half of the folks love Tottenham Hotspur, and the other half love Chelsea. I didn't follow football that closely, but when we used to live in Norwich, I used to go see Norwich City play quite a bit because we lived quite close to the stadium, and that was really good fun. So I kind of got into it more through that, but I always tried to avoid the Tottenham and Chelsea thing because I just didn't want a family feud! Norwich City, I generally follow them. I'm always quite curious to see what they're up to!


Learn more about Father Ed and The Episcopal Parish of St. John the Evangelist: https://bit.ly/4fVD9QL.

Community Spotlight: New England Burial at Sea

By John Keohane • November 15, 2024
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Supporting Children Through Loss: Helping Young Minds Understand and Cope with Grief

By John Keohane • October 24, 2024
Losing a loved one is one of life’s most difficult experiences. For children, the loss of a family member, friend, or beloved pet can be especially challenging, because they’are still learning to understand much of the world around them. For adults like you, whether a parent, grandparent, or guardian—helping these kids navigate their grief can feel like a monumental task in the midst of your own grief. Children process death differently from adults, and so it’s critical to provide them with the right support that meets their specific needs in order to help them cope and heal. How Children Understand Death at Different Ages Children's ability to grasp what loss and death means varies depending on their stage of development. Tailoring your approach based on their age can help ensure they feel supported and understood. You know your kids best—you may have a precocious 4-year-old or a 10-year-old with developmental delays. Use the below as a suggested guide: Preschoolers (Ages 3-5): At this stage, children may not be able to comprehend that death is permanent. They might see it as temporary or reversible and may ask many questions. Simple, concrete explanations are helpful for their understanding. School-aged children (Ages 6-12): Kids in this age range begin to understand that death is forever. They may seem very curious and as such will probably ask lots of detailed questions. It's important to answer them honestly though gently, giving them a sense of comfort while you’re validating their feelings. Teenagers (Ages 13-18): Teens are capable of understanding death as well as adults do, yet they can struggle to express their emotions. Encourage open conversations with them, offering a comfortable space to process feelings in their own way, whether by talking with you, writing about their loss, or engaging in creative activities like art and music. How You Can Support a Grieving Child Here are five ways that you can embrace to help kids process their grief in a healthy and constructive manner: Create an Emotional Safe Space Let children know that it's normal and okay to feel sad, angry, or confused when death hits home. Acknowledge their emotions and reassure them that all of these feelings they’re feeling are normal. Give them enough time and space to express their grief without feeling rushed or judged. Use Simple, Honest Language Skip euphemisms like "passed away" or "gone to sleep," which can be confusing to young children. Instead, explain death to them in straightforward terms, like "When someone dies, their body stops working and they can’t come back," for example. This helps children begin to accept and then process the reality of what has happened. Encourage Questions! Grieving children often have a ton of questions about death, and it’s important for you to answer them as clearly as possible. Sometimes, kids will ask the same question repeatedly. While this may be annoying to you, it’s their way of coming to terms with a powerful sense of loss. Offer Reassurance Children may begin to worry about their own mortality or that of others close to them after experiencing a traumatic loss. This is normal! Reassure them that although death is a natural part of life, most people live a long time, and you’re there to keep them safe. Memorialize the Loved One Creating personal tributes to the person who has passed away can help children cope with their grief. This could be drawing pictures, sharing stories, planting a tree, or lighting a candle in remembrance. Religious rituals may be helpful here too. Resources for Supporting Grieving Children Books and online resources can provide much-needed additional support and offer children deeper resources to help them better understand and cope with loss. Books on Grief for Children The Invisible String by Patrice Karst A beautifully written book ideal for younger kids, this book explains the concept of an invisible string connecting us to our loved ones, even when they are gone. When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown This book offers a gentle introduction to the concept of death for children ages 4-8, helping them understand what it means and how to cope. The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr This colorful, comforting book reassures children that grief is natural and provides simple ideas for expressing their emotions. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen Although suitable for all ages, this book is particularly helpful for older children, offering a metaphorical approach to grief and its various emotions. Online Resources for Families Dougy Center The Dougy Center is a national leader in supporting grieving children and families. Their website offers a wealth of resources, including articles and videos on how to help children process grief. Sesame Street in Communities Sesame Street in Communities offers engaging activities and videos to help young children understand and express their feelings about loss. Child Mind Institute The Child Mind Institute provides expert advice for parents and caregivers, offering tips on how to talk to children about death and grief at every developmental stage. Conclusion Helping children through grief requires patience, honesty, and compassion. By providing children with clear explanations, encouraging them to ask difficult questions, and offering them the space needed to express their feelings comfortably, you can help make this challenging experience more manageable for them. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers; simply being there for them, acknowledging their feelings, and using helpful resources will go a long way in supporting them as they heal. If you're facing a challenge like this and need additional support, the team at Keohane is here to help you. We can offer guidance, connect you with grief counselors, and provide resources that can help support your family through loss.

Keohane's Annual Coat Drive

By John Keohane • September 26, 2024
Please join Keohane and Dependable Cleaners as we collect gently-used adult and children's coats to help neighbors in need along the South Shore. Coats will be distributed through a pair of essential local organizations, Interfaith Social Services and Wellspring Multi-Service Center.

Pet Loss and Grief: Why Losing a Dog or Cat Can Be So Devastating

By John Keohane • September 26, 2024
After 82 years, we are keenly aware that loss takes many forms. Grief isn’t limited to the passing of a spouse, sibling, child, or friend, the pain that comes with the loss of cherished animal companion—be it a dog, cat, or anything else—can be just as profound. Our pets are family members and losing them often triggers an overwhelming sense of grief, leaving us with a deep emotional void. Dogs and cats can be sources of unconditional love, and the loss of that unconditional love is often devastating. The Deep Bonds We Share with Our Animals Dogs, cats, and other pets hold a special place in our hearts. They’re more than animals; they are companions, confidants, and providers of the boundless devotion that so many of us treasure. Whether it’s the excited welcome home after a long day at work or the comfort of your cat purring contentedly while curled up next you, pets offer an unwavering level of loyalty and affection. Pets are also a source of great emotional support during difficult times. How many folks reading this adopted a dog or cat during the pandemic, for instance? Their presence can reduce loneliness, lower stress levels, and provide a sense of purpose. This bond is what makes their loss so painful. When a pet dies, we lose both their companionship and comfort they brought into our daily lives along with the routine rhythms of walks, playtime, feeding, and care they require each day. Why the Grief is So Deep Grieving the loss of a pet can be just as intense as grieving for a human loved one—and sometimes, it hurts even more. Here’s why: 1. Unconditional Love and Dependence Pets offer us unconditional love. Unlike most human relationships and the complex emotions they often include, the bonds between us and our pets is often pure and simple. They depend on us for food, shelter, and care; in return, we rely on them for emotional connection and purpose. Losing that constant presence can feel like losing an anchor in your life. 2. Routine and Rituals Pets are an integral part of our daily routines. From the morning walk to the evening feeding to the adventures we share with them and all of the quiet moments we spend together in between, our pets become woven into the fabric of our day-to-day lives. When they’re gone, those routines are disrupted, leaving us with a massive absence that can trigger feelings of deep sadness and disorientation. 3. A Silent Grief One of the biggest challenges of pet loss is that it can feel isolating—after all, not everyone understands the depth of the bond you shared with your pet, and sometimes people will simply fail to grasp the significance of this loss. However it’s intended, when people say things like, "she was just a dog," or "you can get another cat," they can make you feel like your grief isn’t valid. At Keohane, we want to remind you that your feelings are completely valid! Grieving a pet is as natural and necessary as any other loss you’ll experience. Coping with the Loss of a Pet There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a pet. Each person’s grief journey is unique, though there are a few steps you can take to help navigate this difficult period: 1. Allow Yourself to Mourn It’s important to give yourself permission to grieve. Acknowledge your feelings and recognize that it’s okay to be deeply saddened by the loss of your pet. Don’t rush the process or compare your grief to anyone else’s. It’s your journey, and it’s personal. No one will understand the bond between you and your pet the way you do, after all. 2. Create a Memorial Many people find solace in honoring their pet’s memory. You might create a special place in your home or garden where you can reflect on the joy they brought into your life. People will often choose to frame a favorite picture, plant a tree in their pet’s honor, or keep a memento that reminds them of their companion. Some folks will get their pet’s paws or face tattooed on their bodies or make a donation to an animal rescue organization. It’s entirely up to you. 3. Seek Support You don’t have to go through this alone. Talk with people who understand the depth of your bond with your pet—friends, family members, or a counselor. There are also pet loss support groups, both online and in-person, where you can share your grief with others who have experienced similar losses. 4. Consider a Ritual Some people find closure in holding a special ceremony or ritual for their pet. This could be as simple as lighting a candle in their memory or writing a letter expressing your feelings. There are people who opt to hold a memorial service for their pets. These rituals can give you a sense of peace and help you move through the stages of grief. Keohane’s Commitment to Compassion The Keohane team knows how important it is to provide compassionate support for all kinds of loss. Whether you’re mourning the loss of a pet or a human loved one, we’re here to support you in your time of grief. Pets are family, and we honor the deep connections you share with them. Grief has no timeline, and the loss of a beloved pet can leave a lasting impact. Remember that it's okay to feel what you're feeling, and there is no "right" way to grieve. At Keohane, we are always available to offer guidance, empathy, and support during life’s most difficult moments.

How to Safely Clean a Headstone: A User Guide

By John Keohane • August 29, 2024
A headstone will stand at your loved one’s final resting place long after the funeral service and burial. Exposure to New England’s four seasons and unpredictable weather can take a toll on the physical beauty of these markers. The Keohane team understands the importance of maintaining these special monuments and want to help you to do so by sharing this detailed guide on how to clean a headstone properly—and respectfully. Preparation: 7 Necessary Items: A soft-bristled brush: A brush with natural fibers is ideal for a delicate cleaning job like this Non-ionic soap: This will be gentle on the stone. Brands including Simple Green, Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap, and Dawn Liquid Dish Soap are all solid recommendations for you. Water: Use distilled water if possible. It’s safer, especially if you have hard water coming from your tap. A plastic or wooden scraper: This will help you to safely removing any growths on the stone, such as moss or bird droppings. Soft cloths: These will allow you to dry the stone without causing any abrasions. A spray bottle: For the even application of water…and ease of portability. A bucket: To mix your cleaning solution and an easy way to carry all of your cleaning materials back and forth. Step-by-Step Cleaning Instructions: 1. Assess the Stone Before you do any actual cleaning, take a close look at the headstone. If you see any damage to the stone, such as cracks or flaking, you’re advised to consult a professional before attempting to clean it. You don’t want to cause any further damage after all. 2. Wet the Stone Start by spraying the headstone evenly with plenty of water. Doing so will keep the cleaning solution from getting absorbed too deeply into the stone and inadvertently causing damage. 3. Prepare the Cleaning Solution Mix a small amount of the non-ionic soap with water, using the guidelines on the cleaning solution’s label or website. 4. Gently Clean the Stone Take your soft-bristled brush and gently scrub the headstone with the soapy water. Working the brush in a circular motion, start at the bottom of the stone so that you avoid dripping over already cleaned areas, which may cause streaks. 5. Rinse Thoroughly Regularly rinse the headstone with clean water to flush away the dirt and debris you’ve loosened and prevent soap buildup too. 6. Remove Moss and Lichen If you see clumps of moss or lichen, remove them carefully with your scraper. It’s important to be as gentle as possible to avoid scratching the stone. 7. Final Rinse and Dry Once you’ve cleaned the headstone thoroughly and are satisfied with the result, rinse it a final time and pat it dry gently with your soft cloth. Additional Tips: Don’t use harsh chemicals: Never use bleach or acidic cleaners. These can corrode or even cause permanent stains on the stone. Test first: Always test your cleaning method on a small, less visible area of the headstone before proceeding, like the back or very bottom of the stone. Consider the weather: Aim for a cool, cloudy day for this cleaning project. Too much sun can cause rapid drying that will leave residue and streaks. Taking your time to clean a headstone can be a unique way to connect with and remember a loved one. By following these guidelines and cleaning regularly, you’ll honor their memory in a noble way. At a practical level, it’s also a way to protect what can be an expensive tribute. If you have any concerns or need professional assistance, don’t hesitate to contact a Keohane team member with your questions. We're here to help preserve the legacies of your loved ones.

The Living Funeral: Celebrating Life Before Goodbye

By John Keohane • July 18, 2024
A new trend has emerged in the last few years in which people choose to alter the approach to the end-of-life. The Living Funeral is a customized service that enables people to celebrate their lives with their family and friends while still here to enjoy this deeply meaningful experience. Living funerals offer a unique chance to embrace a full life, create more lasting memories, and spark open conversations about death. Embracing Life and Creating Special Memories More than a simple gathering, a living funeral is a celebration of one’s life. It’s a chance for you to look back on your journey through life, share your stories, and bask in love and appreciation from family and friends alike. Celebrations like these may include your favorite foods, music, and hobbies that hold special meaning for you. Rather than the typical somber funeral service, a living funeral is an opportunity to create an environment that’s filled with joy and warm nostalgia. The impact of a living funeral like this is profound—and profoundly positive. It allows your family and circle of friends to express their gratitude, heal old wounds in relationships, and find closure where it’s needed, while the opportunity still exists. If you’re the honoree, it’s an affirmation of your life and legacy, giving you a sense of comfort and peace during a time that may otherwise be filled with uncertainty. For your loved ones, it’s a cherished opportunity to say “thank you” and “I love you,” knowing that their words will be heard and felt. The Benefits of Speaking Openly About Death One of the key benefits of a living funeral is the chance it affords you to speak openly about death. Death is a taboo subject in many cultures and often avoided in conversation. Yet discussing death in plain terms can lead to a deeper understanding and acceptance of life’s natural cycle. Embracing this kind of open dialogue allows you to share your wishes for end-of-life care, funeral arrangements and charitable beneficiaries you’d like to acknowledge, and how you wish to be remembered. This transparency can alleviate the burden on your loved ones who might otherwise struggle having to make these decisions during a time of intense grief. In a way, it’s one more gift to your loved ones before you pass. Plus, speaking openly about death may reduce your fear and anxiety about it. It may encourage you to live more fully and appreciate the present moment and inspire the people attending to live their lives in a similar fashion. Creating a Legacy of Love and Acceptance A living funeral can be a beautiful way to create a legacy of love and acceptance. It’s often a testament to a life well-lived and a special reminder of the impact you may have had on the lives of people in your family and network of friends. It allows you to leave these folks more than just memories; you’re also giving a sense of closure and peace. This growing trend of living funerals offers a transformative approach to the end of life. It celebrates your journey, cements meaningful connections, and encourages open conversations about death. At Keohane, we believe in honoring life in all of its stages. If you’re considering a living funeral or are curious to learn more, please contact us. We’re here to support you and your loved ones and help you create a celebration that reflects the beauty and significance of your life.

Inclusive Memorial Services: How to Incorporate Diverse Family Structures

By John Keohane • June 18, 2024
Family structures are more diverse than ever these days. As our society evolves, our traditions and practices need to evolve with them, including the ways in which we honor our loved ones when they pass on. We believe that memorial services ought to be inclusive, respectful, and reflective of the unique relationships that make up every family we serve. In this blog, we'll share with you how to incorporate these varied family structures into funeral ceremonies, enabling you to acknowledge and honor each of these special relationships. Recognizing the Diversity of Modern Families Modern families exist in many forms, such as blended families, single-parent families, LGBTQ+ families, families with adopted children, and more. Perhaps you recognize your family structure here? It's essential that we recognize and validate these diverse structures during memorial services so that everyone feels included and respected. Open Communication One of the most important steps when you’re planning an inclusive memorial service is open communication. Engaging each family member early in the planning process creates an opportunity to understand their individual desires and perspectives. Doing so can help you make sure that no one feels they’ve been excluded during an already difficult time emotionally. Encouraging your family members to share stories, memories, and special traditions that can be incorporated into the service helps to create a sense of inclusivity that can lift everyone’s spirits during an otherwise challenging period. Personalize the Ceremony Having gathered anecdotes and cherished memories from your family members, personalizing the ceremony to reflect the unique life and relationships of the deceased leads to deeply meaningful ways to honor their memory. Here are three such examples for you to consider: 1. Custom Eulogies: Invite multiple family members and close friends to share their own memories, or offer a eulogy. This allows for a richer, more diverse representation of the deceased's life and relationships. 2. Photo Displays: Create a photo collage or video that includes pictures from all stages of their life (if available), celebrating friendships, family events, special moments, and highlighting the connections among these various relationships that made a significant impact on the deceased's life. 3. Symbolic Gestures: Incorporate symbolic gestures that hold special meaning for different family members, like lighting candles, releasing balloons, creating a fundraising event, or planting a tree or garden in memory of the loved one. Inclusive Rituals and Traditions Weaving diverse rituals and traditions into the memorial service can help provide another way to respect and honor any cultural and religious backgrounds within your family. A few ways to do this include: 1. Multicultural Elements: If the deceased or your family members come from different cultural backgrounds, consider including some elements from these cultures in the ceremony. This could include representative music, readings from treasured books, or traditional rituals. 2. Interfaith Considerations: If your family includes members of various faiths, find ways to incorporate interfaith prayers or rituals, or readings that honor the beliefs of all family members. 3. Non-Religious Options: Some families prefer a non-religious service that focuses on celebrating the life and values of the deceased through personal anecdots, music, and meaningful activities. For instance, was the decedent a Deadhead? Including music from a favorite show could be a lovely way to celebrate this aspect of them. Respecting Unique Relationships Every relationship is a unique relationship, with its own dynamics. It’s important to acknowledge and honor these connections during the memorial service. Consider these: 1. Acknowledging All Relationships: Make sure that the service acknowledges and honors all significant relationships in the deceased's life, regardless of their structure (biological, adopted, chosen, or otherwise). 2. Inclusive Language: Use inclusive language that respects the dynamics of your family structure and relationships. Avoid assumptions about roles or titles, and be mindful of how different family members may identify. It’s okay to ask family members or close friends how they’d prefer to be addressed! 3. Special Roles: Is it possible to give different family members and friends special roles, such as reading a poem, performing a song, or leading an aspect of the service? This can to a long way in ensuring that everyone feels involved and recognized. Creating a Welcoming Atmosphere Creating a welcoming and inclusive atmosphere is a vital key for a successful and respectful memorial service: 1. Venue Considerations: Choose a venue that’s accessible and welcoming to all of your family members and friends, including those with disabilities or special needs. Consider that some attendees may need to bring a care provider with them. 2. Hospitality: It’s important that all guests feel welcome and comfortable attending the memorial. Hospitality may include offering refreshments, having a sign-in book, or offering grief support for those who may need it. 3. Sensitivity and Empathy: Approach the planning and execution of the service with sensitivity and empathy. This is a very emotional time for everyone involved, after all. Kindness matters here more than ever. The Keohane team is committed to helping families like yours to create inclusive, respectful, and meaningful memorial services that will honor the unique lives and relationships of your loved ones. In embracing diverse family structures, we can be certain that every service is a true reflection of the individual being celebrated.

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