Keohane Funeral Home

Navigating Sibling Disagreement when Planning a Funeral for a Parent

January 15, 2023

Ideally, every family faced with planning their parent’s funeral will completely agree about every detail in perfect unity. Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world, and every family has quirks and differences. The best cure for sibling disagreements is if the parent has pre-planned or is still able to have a say in their funeral preferences. However, if this is not the case, there are ways to help make the situation better. We have some ideas for children who are caught in the unfortunate situation of conflicting with their siblings regarding their parent’s funeral.

1. Put your parent’s wishes first.

One would hope that siblings are unified in wanting to honor their parents’ wishes, as much as possible. Even if your parent(s) did not specify, in advance, every detail of their funeral service, most children have some idea of their parent’s priorities. Looking back, you may remember your parents saying, “I want that song sung at my funeral,” or “I like the folder they had for Terry – I’d like mine to look like that.” Some details may have come up in conversations weeks, months, or even years ago. Sometimes the problem lies in the fact that the parent told one child but not the others. Usually, it wasn’t that they were trying to keep their other children in the dark. It can be hard for older people to remember who they told what. Therefore, it takes some amount of trust in one another, as siblings, when it comes to remembering and relaying parental funeral requests.

If your parents are still alive, encourage them to talk to one another and to you and your siblings about their wishes. When your parents, or one living parent, talk about their end-of-life wishes, send an email detailing the conversation to your parent(s) and sibling(s). However, if your parent is unable to communicate or has passed and you are faced with a mountain of decisions, it will help to make a list of those things you definitely know that your parent wanted for their funeral. Then you can consider the other details. A parent is honored best when their children seek unity and lovingkindness in their conversations and decisions.

2. Bring in a mediator.

When grief and raw and tensions are high, it can be difficult to think clearly. If your parents left you and your siblings with few or no preferences, it may help to bring in a third party such as a pastor or counselor. If you can bring your mediator with you to the funeral home, when the family meets with the funeral director, they can help everyone navigate planning by adding an anchor to the conversation. They may recommend rules such as each sibling being given an equal amount of time to speak, uninterrupted. Imagine the mediator as something like a referee in a football game or a moderator at a presidential debate. Brief your pastor or counselor with the facts beforehand, avoiding bias. And afterwards, send your mediator a generous gift of money or a substantial gift card to show your appreciation.

3. Keep perspective and choose your battles.

Some details obviously hold more weight than others. For example, the decision of burial or cremation vs. what food should be served at the reception are choices of varying levels of importance. We’ve all heard the sage advice, “Choose your battles,” which may be good to remember in this situation.

You may ask, “What if I have a sibling who thinks every decision is equally important and wants to take complete control?” Take a deep breath and pause for several moments to consider. If there were just onedecision you would fight for, what would it be? Maybe you know your parent greatly wanted their service to take place at a certain church. If your siblings want to have it at a park, but you know your Mom would not have wanted that, you could possibly approach this in the following way.

You could calmly but firmly say, “You guys can do whatever you want for the casket, flowers, and reception, but please consider that Mom really wanted her service at the church. I stand for Mom on this one.” Once your siblings see that you are firm about only one thing, and that you are open to their decisions on other matters, they may be less likely to fight about the church.

Above all we want to encourage you to nurture the relationships you have with your siblings. They are grieving, too, and may not be thinking clearly. Your parent doesn’t care about the color of napkins for the reception. What they probably wanted more than anything was for you and your siblings to love and support each other, now and in the coming days.

As always, we are here to answer your questions and help you make decisions that will best honor your loved one. Please feel free to check out our website [https://keohane.com] for more information or call 617-773-3551 to set up an appointment today.